After a death: the first hours, the first weeks, and the grief that comes after caregiving

The first hours

If the person was on hospice, call the hospice; they will come, pronounce the death, and guide everything after. If the death happens at home without hospice and was expected, call the doctor's office or the number they gave you; if it was unexpected, call 911. In a hospital or nursing home, the staff handle the pronouncement and will ask which funeral home to call. There is no need to rush. The National Institute on Aging notes that families may sit with the body, and that this is the time for any religious or cultural customs. Call the people who would want to come before the body is moved.

The first day

• Choose a funeral home if one was not chosen. They will pick up the body, help with the death certificate, and usually notify Social Security.
• Find the papers: any prepaid funeral plan, a will, the wishes they wrote down, military discharge papers if a veteran.
• Tell close family and one person who can spread the word so you are not making thirty calls.
• If they lived alone, secure the house, the car, and pets, and stop deliveries.
• If there are organ or tissue donation wishes, say so immediately; time matters.

The first weeks

• Order certified death certificates through the funeral home. Ten is a common number; banks, insurers, pensions, and the DMV each want one.
• Social Security: the funeral home usually reports the death, but call 1-800-772-1213 to confirm and to ask about survivor benefits. Social Security does not pay a benefit for the month of death, so a payment that arrives for that month has to be returned. Ask before you spend it.
• Pensions, the VA if a veteran, life insurance, and any annuities. Have policy numbers and a death certificate.
• Medicare and any Medicare Advantage or drug plan, Medicaid, and long-term care insurance.
• Banks, credit cards, and the three credit bureaus, to close accounts and prevent identity theft.
• The community or agency: return equipment, settle the final bill, and ask about refunds of deposits.
• Utilities, phone, subscriptions, and the post office.
• The will, if there is one, goes to the surrogate's court in the county. An attorney can tell you whether probate is needed. Cardinal does not give legal advice.

Watch for scams

Obituaries are read by thieves. Be wary of callers claiming a debt is owed, offers to help claim benefits for a fee, and anyone who wants account numbers. Do not put the home address in the obituary, and have someone at the house during the funeral. When in doubt, hang up and call the agency back at a number you looked up.

Grief after caregiving

Caregiver grief is layered: loss, relief, guilt about the relief, and the strange emptiness of a day with nothing to do. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that many former caregivers show signs of depression for years after. If the person was on hospice, the hospice offers bereavement support to the family for about 13 months, including counseling and groups, and most hospices open their groups to anyone in the community. Grief has no schedule. If you cannot sleep, cannot function, or feel you would rather not be here, tell your doctor or call 988.

Where to find support

• The hospice's bereavement program, whether or not the person was their patient.
• CaringInfo, from the National Alliance for Care at Home: plain guides on grief and on finding bereavement care.
• The Alzheimer's Association helpline and groups, for families after dementia.
• Your county Office for the Aging, which can point to local grief groups.
• Your own doctor, and a counselor if the weight does not lift.

In CarePair

Tell your advisor. Your case will be closed with care, your documents stay yours, and nothing about the person is shared further. If you are ready, the journal can hold the things you want to remember.